Facts About Israphel

Facts About Israphel

Israphel has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.  

In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly was because they knew Israphel was coming.

Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Israphel is looking for it.

The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Israphel didn't kill you in your sleep.

Ghosts are actually caused by Israphel killing people faster than Death can process them.

Israphel is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.

Israphel doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets out of the way.

Israphel can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Israphel's fist.

Israphel has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

Israphel describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Israphel.

Israphel never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

When Israphel goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Israphel. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.

Israphel's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Israphel will not take shit from anyone.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Israphel says its beef, then it's beef.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Israphel and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

If you can see Israphel, he can see you. If you can't see Israphel you may be only seconds away from death.

It is scientifically impossible for Israphel to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

A man once taunted Israphel with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Israphel proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.

Israphel doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

Israphel doesn't open a can of whoopass. He makes his own.

Israphel once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

When God said, "let there be light", Israphel said, "say 'please'."

Israphel can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

When Israphel talks, everyone listens. And dies.

Israphel destroyed the periodic table, because Israphel only recognizes the element of surprise.

The saddest moment for children is not when they learn Santa Claus isn't real, it's when they learns Israphel is.

Israphel has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Israphel."

There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Israphel.

Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Israphel thrives on pain. Israphel then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.

When you say "no one's perfect", Israphel takes this as a personal insult.

According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Israphel created God by snapping his fingers.

Israphel crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

Israphel played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

The truth will set you free. Unless Israphel has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

Not everyone that Israphel is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called spacemen.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Israphel. Not to be outdone, Israphel invented the car accident.

Israphel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

When Israphel gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Israphel can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.